The other day, I was browsing the self-help section of the bookstore for a book on time management and keys to success. I happened to find a section dealing with relationships; I was curious, so I picked up a book that I thought would teach the ethical and romantic things a husband could do to improve his marriage with his wife. I’m not married yet, but I expected such a book to be beneficial to me when I reach that stage in my life. Much to my surprise, as I skimmed the contents of these books, I found that they were advising men to “play the game,” using various tactics to get women to sleep with them. These books were advocating the use of manipulation to “pull women,” in addition to condoning infidelity. Not surprisingly, these books completely neglected the spiritual aspects of a relationship, or even any sound advice on how to connect on a greater emotional level with a woman; their focus was solely on promoting “the game” of promiscuity and misogyny.
So I decided to write about how to ethically find the woman who will one day be your wife. First, a man must be attracted to a woman for the right reasons. If you are solely interested in her looks, then prepare for a disastrous relationship; once the flame of sexual attraction burns out, you will have nothing left to hold your relationship together. We all grow old eventually; the question to ask yourself is, “When her beautiful skin is wrinkled with age and she no longer has such a great physique, will I still want to be with her?” Find someone who you are attracted to for more than just looks. Many men, myself included, are attracted to women because of their intelligence, but even seeking this can be misguided. After all, a woman doesn’t have to be a genius to be a good wife; what really matters is that her heart is pure and she lives a moral lifestyle.
When you meet a woman, you should consider her morality. Does she dress modestly or leave little to the imagination? Does she use clean language or profanity? Is she honest or is she a liar? Start a conversation with her in a respectful, ethical manner, and get to know her before you consider dating her. Then, if you are still interested in her, ask permission from her parents to take her on a date. If they agree, make sure at least one parent accompanies the two of you so you can get to know her and her family. Of course, you’ll also want to spend some alone time with her; do so in a public setting, not at your house or her house. Ask her questions and get to know her. Once you feel that you’ve gotten to know this woman sufficiently, decide whether you want to get engaged to her or part ways.
This is the proper way to find a woman, not pretending to be someone you’re not or using manipulation to “hook up” with her. Although some people may believe this type of courtship is archaic, perhaps they should ask themselves whether the current socially expected system of courtship is better. The latter is a destructive system in which men treat women as nothing more than sexual objects, completely disregarding the emotional and spiritual aspects of a healthy relationship, and often going after another woman as soon as they have succeeded in their previous sexual conquest. This must end. If relationships were based on a more structured foundation, then they would have a better chance of lasting a lifetime. Then, and only then, can couples establish real relationships that are emotional and spiritual, not just based on physical pleasure. Sex itself is not true intimacy; true intimacy comes from really knowing someone for who they are, connecting on an emotional and spiritual level with them as well as on a physical one. It is true intimacy that keeps couples happy together for years on end.